Parris and I watched a fair amount of the Winter Olympics. ’twas okay. Some stirring moments, some excitement, drama, grace, all that.

Some of these sports are silly, though. I mean, really. Two man luge? The top guy lying on the bottom guy, both of them flat on their backs, careening down an ice chute? Why not eight-man luge? Just stack ’em up, keeping the stack together would be real exciting.

And really — this one is going to get me in trouble, I know — if you don’t know who won until some judge holds up a card or enters a number on a computer, it’s not a sport. Now listen. I am not saying it doesn’t require incredible skill, grace, strength, what have you. I am not saying the participants are not athletes, even. I am certainly not saying this stuff should not exist. But it’s not a sport. I mean, really. Ice dancing? Dancing is an art. Has been an art for thousands of years. Doing it on ice doesn’t change that. And when it’s Russians dressed up as faux Australian aborigines or Americans ice dancing a Moldavian folk dance, it’s REALLY not a sport.

All these judged “sports” are too subjective. A real sport may require umps or refs, but you know who won when the contest is over. We didn’t have to sit around after the SuperBowl saying, “well, the Saints scored more points, but the Colts attempted more long passes, so their degree of difficulty was harder, and the judges will certainly give Dwight Feeney points for that triple spin move, even though he didn’t get the sack. It could be close…”

I propose a new sport for the next Winter Olympics. A REAL sport. Ice football. Played exactly the same way as real (American) football, except everyone is on ice skates. I mean, we have field hockey and ice hockey, why not field football and ice football? Just think of the excitement as Peyton Manning skates backward to get off the pass and those speed skaters on the D-line come flashing after him while his wideouts do spins and triple axels trying to lose the CBs… most exciting sport EVER!!!

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